Sunday, November 13, 2016

School's Out (for good): Now What?

So I dropped out of college.
That should really be the entirety of this post, but that would be all too easy.
I honestly had to look back at my last post to see where I was at in my life the last time I updated on here.
Sounds like I was in a really dark, shitty place.
And when I think about it, I was.
Regardless of all the ranting & raving I did in that last post, I still returned to school at the end of August.
No idea.
I was taking one night class, on an author I realized I couldn't stand, & it hit me that I could just fucking leave.
So I did.
I'm working full-time doing something I absolutely love, with people I actually enjoy being around.
The point in continuing to struggle staying in college was null.

So do I regret spending so much time in school?
Well, I'm paying back $21,000 in student loans for seemingly no reason, & everyone at my job still thinks I'm in school.
The short answer is: No.
The long answer is: Fuck no.
I feel slightly guilty for lying to my coworkers but when work began, I was actually going to school.
The less guilty part of me is constantly reminding me that my academic life, as well as all other aspects of my life, is no one's fucking business but mine.
I don't owe anyone at my job an explanation for leaving school.
I've struggled enough with the fact my brother still doesn't know, but it's also not his business either.
I finally did something good for myself, even after taking all of the negative backlash it might bring into account.

The biggest irony of these past few years is that I quit college once I finally started getting it down to a science.
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't lying when I said school made me physically & mentally ill.
That's easily the number one reason why I finally left.
However, my grades were more than fine.
My professors liked me.
My peers liked me (often times, more than I liked them).
And last semester, I made it damn close to finally getting it right with someone of the opposite sex.
He was only 21, far too young for me, but because of his mysterious demeanor & the fact we shared two classes, I made it my goal to get to know him.
And I did.
I got to see all of the different colors he hid beneath his gray outer shell.
And it was AMAZING.
On the last day of class, we took an impromptu walk from one side of campus to the other.
And while it was totally unplanned & I managed to end up on the opposite side of where my car was parked, I loved every second of listening to him talk.
This dude who never said more than two words in class (& that's only if the professor forced him to speak), was telling me all about about his favorite bands & laughing & asking me questions like we'd been best friends for years.
The high I got from that walk stuck with me all summer.
I felt like I'd finally accomplished something.
Maybe not academically, but I felt like this counted way more.

When school started back up, panic & depression set in again.
The guy from last semester wasn't in my night class class, nor had any of our mutual classmates seen him around.
In his true recluse fashion, he's not on social media either.
I was faced with the fact that school still made me sick, it had become increasingly difficult because of my work schedule, & the one person that made me excited to go to class every day had seemingly disappeared into thin air.
There was no point in sticking around.

So where am I at now?
Good question.
Somewhere floating in the ether, I think.
I feel much freer now since leaving school, and freedom comes with a ton of responsibility, much of which I had't taken into account.
But it's all good.
I finally feel like I'm not constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I can save my money.
And I can travel.
And I don't have to worry about proper MLA format or textbooks or attendance ever again.
That's crazy.
I guess it was fear of judgement that kept me in college for long, but I'm glad I stayed long enough to see myself get decent grades & achieve some sort of basic happiness.
I started sharing more of my work on my Instagram (@ri_was_here), and the positive response has been overwhelming.
I'll save all that for another day & another post.
Just know that everything is good.
School is over.
And I'm happy.