Saturday, June 18, 2016

College (& sucking at it)

The title of this post may sound like a bad re-run of the last post, but it's not intended that way & I'll try to steer clear of repeating myself too much.
So, I've been 25 for the last month & a half, & a big realization just recently hit me: This epic summer I'd been planning since last year, full of road trips & museums & mountains & concerts & sunshine & finding myself, is slowly closing in.
Tomorrow is my last day of work for the summer, & now I have about a month & a half left before it's back-to-school time.
That thought literally makes me nauseous.

I'm gonna be honest here.
Even though it's one of my biggest insecurities, maybe someone else needs to hear it out loud, too.
I'm 25, I've been in college for nearly 7 years straight, & I have no degree to show for it whatsoever.
That's probably one of the most embarrassing, shameful "secrets" I own, but I need to face it for what it is.
I can't seem to finish anything I start.
And it's really fucking frustrating.
I constantly compare myself to my mom who has a Master's in psychology, & my brother who has a MSW as well as a J.D. from one of the most prestigious law schools in the country.
I used to call myself a "failure" every single day, multiple times a day for years upon years.
After a while, it felt really good to wallow in my misery & be able to chalk everything up to the fact that I was just one big, worthless fuck-up.
That was cute in my late teens & early 20's, but once I got accepted to my current school, I swore off calling myself that, & promised I'd get serious about my studies.
We won't get into all the majors I've had & why they didn't work out as it's terribly boring, & I've gone over all of that in previous posts.

School makes me sick.

I've been so even-keeled and content since last semester ended, seeing as I did my last 3 semesters back to back with one day in between each semester.
I have mood swings & get annoyed & all of the rest of it, but nothing like back when I would routinely check my bag for enough Xanax anytime I left the house.
I've been happy.
I've been downright peaceful.
But thinking about heading back to school in a couple months, & taking in all of the shitty aspects that come along with that, is freaking me out.
I'm on the verge of tears writing this, & like I've said many times before, I'm not a crier.
School does something to me & it's not healthy.
But I don't know how to feel good about not having a degree.
Especially after all of this time.
I have student loans I'll have to start paying off once I'm done, & I'm wondering why I racked up so much debt for nothing.
Why did I meet so many people who seemingly served no purpose whatsoever in my life?
Why did I spend so many hours in front of a computer screen, typing 15 page papers on things I knew I didn't understand?

So much of this is just getting caught up in what other people think of me.
And that's worse than Ebola.
I swear, all I am to everyone around me is a degree or lack thereof.
I can't have a conversation with ANYONE without:
"Do you graduate this year?"
"When do you graduate?"
"Are you almost done with school now?"
"So are you a junior, senior...?"
"Is this your last year?"
"Don't you want to be done with school?"
"I feel like you've been in college forever!"
It's awful feeling like no one cares about any of the amazing things that make me who I am.
Instead, they're concerned with how I plan to conform & contribute to the 9-5 society.
I have no interest in conformity.
I never have.
But I have to figure out a way to pay my bills.

Edit: The morning after writing this post, I was offered a full-time position at my job.
I have a good, respectable job, & it's probably a miracle that I'm climbing any ladder in a place like this.
I'd like to think it's a sign from the universe telling me to get some worldly experience & get the fuck out of school before I die.
However, the reason my boss thought I'd be good for the position is because she believed I was working on a teaching degree.
There's 3 problems with this:
1. I'm not working on a teaching degree & I never said I was
2. I've been at this job for 2 years without a degree
3. A full-time position won't allow me to go to school unless I only take night classes. So how in the fuck am I supposed to finish this degree, regardless of what it's in?

I told my brother over the phone about my little promotion, & after congratulating me, he inquired about what was going to happen as far as school.
I told him I was thinking about not going back & his immediate response was: "Eventually, that's going to bite you in the ass...".
I'm tired of letting people ruin my mood.
I'm tired of listening to people.
I'm tired of people vomiting all of their life experiences into my life.
They tell me I only have two semesters left until I graduate.
That this time next year, I'll have my bachelor's in a subject I've come to despise.
But I've been this close before & the goal keeps moving farther & farther away from me.
Fuck it, I'm done complaining.

I honestly didn't mean to make this post so personal.
I wanted to remind myself as well as anyone else hopelessly struggling in college, that not having a degree is nothing to be ashamed of.
I graduated from high school & I did really well in school back then.
College may just be another thing that solidifies my position as the black sheep in my family.
I come from a strong, intelligent, ambitious family, & while I'm all of those things, I think it's time I start applying those traits to something other than schoolwork.