Friday, April 22, 2016

The Remnants of 24: Alcohol

I've never been a drinker.
Even when I used to drink a lot, I wasn't a drinker.
I didn't start drinking until I was 21.
I was always afraid of getting so drunk I'd throw up, that I could never bring myself to finish an entire beer.
I distinctly remember one night when I was 16, a group of pseudo friends came over and got piss drunk while I sat quietly & chugged a bottle of water.
I remember every last detail of that night because I was completely sober.

Because of this recent medical condition I'm dealing with, I can't drink alcohol.
I mean, I can, but it exacerbates everything.
Which is ironic, because that's all it ever did even before I had any medical issues.

I started drinking to fit in with a crowd I shouldn't have even been near.
Everyone in the group was younger than me (i.e. underage), & getting drunk was almost their only past time.
I just wanted to fit somewhere.
Even with these idiots.
And I tried so fucking hard.
My fear of getting "throw-up drunk" was gone the very first time I got completely shitfaced & threw up on someone's bathroom floor.
After that, I wasn't afraid.
And that made everything a million times worse.

I guess my biggest issue with alcohol was how emotional it made me.
I couldn't drink vodka without crying, so I swore it off & stuck primarily to whiskey.
But whiskey made me really horny, which was an issue because I was essentially hanging out with a group of racists.
I was only their friend when I was in front of them, & when it came to viewing me as anything more than that, no amount of alcohol could change the fact that I was always just the BLACK girl.

I specifically remember my 23rd birthday "party" because of shit like that.
All I wanted was for Jeff to be there.
I don't know why I liked him so much.
He was a compulsive liar, ignorant, & downright mean to me at times.
But other times he would be really sweet.
I'd try to tap into the things he was interested in, & give him little compliments that maybe weren't true,
& he would smile & get friendly with me for a little while.
He only liked girls with brown eyes & dark hair.
Despite the fact I've always had both of those features, Jeff couldn't have fathomed liking me.
He showed up to by 23rd birthday, & he was nice to me the entire time.
Then he left.
I realized someone had probably asked him to come & show me attention because it was my birthday & everyone knew I liked him.
And I started drinking.
I chugged a few beers, drunk drove myself home, got in the bed with my mom & cried for a long time.
Partially because I was drunk.
Mostly because I wasted my birthday wish on Jeff.

Alcohol has gotten me involved in so many goddamn idiotic things.
I used to think it was a really good thing for me because it got me to loosen up & let go.
I was way less socially awkward/anxious when I was drinking, & it made me feel pretty & worthy of attention.
Then I realized: I get in hit on in bars because everyone is fucking drunk including myself.
To this day, I've never kissed a guy who was sober.
My first kiss was in the woods behind my house with a guy 3 years older than me who was a known alcoholic.
I don't even remember my last kiss.
Because I was drunk.
There's a million stories I could tell, & this post could easily turn into a series.
But I want to make my point & get out of here.
I feel buzzed just reliving some of these memories.

I came so fucking close to losing my virginity one night.
I was drunk & desperate, & I'd just met the guy about 4 or 5 hours earlier.
I won't get into all the gory details, but we didn't actually end up having sex.
It's sucks to even think about it, because I know so much better & I've always been so protective of my body.
I remember driving home at 3 o'clock in the morning, taking a hot shower, & trying to scrub him off of me.
It was then that I started realizing it was okay be a 20-something virgin, & that I was still far from ready to go that far with anyone.
Problem was, any time I drank, I seemed to forget all about that.
I can't tell you how many times my "friends" would try to pawn me off to guys, & no matter how hard they tried, no one was ever interested in me.
I'd either get a cold shoulder, like Jeff, or I'd get the "You're such a nice girl" bullshit.
It fucked with my self esteem, especially once I sobered up & realized that I was always getting rejected, no matter how pretty I tried to make myself before I left the house.

Now that I don't drink & have no interest in getting drunk anymore, I see the majority of these things as a blessing.
If any of those guys had taken me or my "friends" up on our offers, I'd have a ton of random notches on my belt & possibly a kid.
Maybe I had to learn the hard way to wait for someone who respects me, but like I said, that night is still tough for me to think about & I find it easier to just let it go all together.
With my condition, I can't have alcohol, caffeine, most juices, or carbonated drinks.
So I drink water.
All the time.
It's getting to the point where I'm becoming known for always carrying a giant water bottle around.
Which is good, cause I used to only drink water when I was hungover.

This post makes me sound like an alcoholic.
During the times when I was drinking, I'd go weeks & months without a drink.
It was a social anxiety thing.
Once I got around certain people, I knew they'd be drinking, so I'd drink to tolerate & fit in with them.
I just didn't know when to stop & that's what got me in trouble.
I can't remember the last time I had alcohol & that makes me pretty happy.
I love being able to have conversations with people & feel like I'm being 100% honest with myself.
I don't ever plan on getting shitfaced, "throw-up drunk" again.
I've realized how awesome it is to have good experiences & feel totally & completely drunk on excitement & happiness.
This is starting to sound really cheesy but it's all true.
Having to forcefully give up alcohol is one of the best things that's ever happened to me.