Saturday, April 9, 2016

The Remnants of 24: Fake Boyfriends & Real Problems

I think it's imperative I address this while the wound is still fresh & bloody.
I just blasted Adele & cried for about an hour because I found out a musician I've fallen in love with over the past year has "secretly" been in a relationship all along.
Feel free to laugh. There's a ton of humor in this, I'm sure.
However, I feel like there's a bigger issue here: I'm almost 25 & I'm still crying over imaginary boyfriends.
Wait,
I'm almost 25 & I still have imaginary boyfriends.
This artist,we'll call him 'A', has changed my world for the better.
Sometimes I feel like my soul finds ways to connect with other's, which in the long run, has typically turned out to be really a good thing.
However, it's not so good that the other person, 9 times out of 10, has no idea who I am.
It's hard to put my feelings toward 'A' into words.
He's made me fall back in love with literature, with blues music, with nature, with everything I used to feel embarrassed about loving.
I don't know why or how I became so attached to him, but I swear, this is becoming a saga.
And I'm getting really fucking sick of it.
I want to be as open & honest as humanly possible with this post. If I don't say everything now, history is just going to keep repeating itself.
I don't know what malicious virus keeps feeding me these bullshit ideas about who I am & who I might actually have a shot with, but I fear I'm going to be perpetually slammed with reality checks for the rest of my life because of it.
I'm exhausted from trying to be so goddamn optimistic all the time.
It's not okay.
I'm sure I'll be fine, but right now it's not okay.
I swear, in some other life I've loved so many people and they loved me back.
But this time around, it's just me falling in love.
Failing in love.
I feel so stupid.
I don't know what I expected. For 'A' to somehow end up in New York & find himself interested in a 25 24 year old, undergrad, with a messy room, & awkward smile?

The point is:
I NEED TO GET OUT OF MY OWN FUCKING HEAD.
Lonely doesn't even begin to describe it anymore.
I was lonely 9 years ago when I was best friends with the school whore, & she was fucking every guy I had a crush on.
Now I don't know what to call this.
Detrimentally insecure?
I like to think I'm pretty comfortable with myself, but once I leave my house all comfortably gets left inside.
Yes, I want to be in a relationship.
I want someone to appreciate how much I love them.
I write stories, & poems, & letters for people who will never know about them.
I wrote an entire book for one of my classmates.
And I don't care if he never finds out. That wasn't why I did it.
I love people so much.
I just want to know what the receiving end feels like.

I'm not sorry I fell in love with 'A'.
Not even a little bit.
And maybe love is only mutual & what I felt toward him doesn't count because he doesn't know me from Adam.
But now that it's indisputably clear everything was just one big fantasy, I know the pain I'm feeling is completely real, regardless of why I'm feeling it.
I have to stop doing this to myself.
---                                                                    
Okay, so it's been a few days since I started this post.
I ended up getting the worst sleep of my life that night, which is odd because crying usually knocks me out.
It's so strange.
I'm not a crier.
But even now that I can step further back & see the absurdity of crying over something so silly, when I think about it when I think about him, my chest hurts & I feel the tears getting ready to start back up again.
I hate that.
It's like someone else has control of my body.

'A', like so many others before him, gave me a place to rest my heart.
Every ounce of love I had in me, I invested in him.
And I don't know why.
But I gotta cut this shit out.
I think this is one of those posts that's supposed to round off to me realizing I need to love myself more.
Like, all of that love and energy I put in 'A' should have been invested in myself.
But it wasn't.
So now I'm picking up the pieces from that, & I'll worry about what comes next later.

I'm almost 25, & I'm still inflicting the same bullshit on myself as I did 6 years ago when I started this whole thing.
I just want to know why.