Monday, February 8, 2016

Update: School, Anxiety, Depression, & What Happens Next

It's been a while.
Last summer feels like a million years ago, & I'd almost completely forgotten the majority of shit that plagued me then.
Except for the wolf spiders.
Never forget.
So, I've been a English major for the past 3 semesters, & as far as school goes, it's the happiest I've been in years.
At the end of every previous semester, I'd receive a warning letter to get my GPA up or I'd be kicked out of the University.
My last semester as a sociology student, I exhausted my second to last chance.
I can't tell you how badly I used to want to go to the school I attend, & the threat of being kicked out used to keep me up at night.
Since I've been back in English, I've been alright.
I have no fear of falling classes, let alone getting kicked out of school, & I feel like I know what's going on 99.9% of the time.
I'm fortunate to have had this many chances, just to realize what I knew all along.

So, about my anxiety.
It's been bad.
Like awful.
Fall semester was going really well, then I started experiencing a bizarre health issue.
It's probably not the biggest deal in the world, but I can easily say, it almost wrecked my world at some point.
Well, my anxiety did, not my health issue.
This was the closest I've ever come to a nervous breakdown, & I'm really intent on never getting any closer.
I legitimately thought I was going blind, losing my ability to walk, my organs were shutting down.
I mean, every single thing you can imagine, I honestly believed was either happening, or going to happen.
Never have I felt sicker in the mind than this.
I've been suicidal a more than a few times in my life, but never like this.
Instances like driving home, & trying so hard to fight the urge to sharply turn my wheel & crash into something.
Anything.
Just so I could have something else to focus on (i.e. a totaled car, broken bones).
Or nothing to focus on at all.
I know there are so many people in the world who can relate to feeling like this.
But to those who can't, it's indescribable.
Anti-depressants may have very well been the cause of the health issue I've been having, so there was no thought of returning to those.
I tried taking an herbal remedy, but it made me sick to my stomach.
I tried meditation, but all I did was fall asleep.
I tried going to the gym, but I thought it made my problem worse.
The stress that this "simple" issue has caused me, is like nothing I've ever experienced before.
And in reality, that's probably just because, in 24 years, I've never had a real health scare.
Which is a really good, lucky thing.

Now here we are, 3 months from when the problem first started, & I just got a diagnosis last week.
I've had devices stuck in places I'd never even thought about before, & apparently, I have more to look forward to.
After getting an MRI in December & ruling out the scariest possibility, my stress levels have come down quite a bit.
But to be completely honest, I still have days where I'm suicidal.
And it's scary.
One "little" problem can cause so much more turmoil when you're already mentally unstable.
It also sucks to have to call myself "mentally unstable", but it is what it is.
I've been this way since I was 11, & I think it's only getting worse.
There are days where I so badly want to commit myself, just so I can take a break from writing papers, & working, & driving, & being so responsible for my own life.
But I still somehow get all my homework done, & I always make it to class early, & I've held down the same job for 2 years now, even though they "let people go" almost monthly.
I don't know how I'm doing it.
I swear, I don't.
And I'm rarely nice to myself.
And I feel guilty when I congratulate myself on something that should've been done anyway.
That's depression for ya.

Sometimes when I write about this shit, I feel like it's all one giant overshare.
No one reads this blog, but I put tons of personal information about myself on here.
But it helps me.
A lot.
And I'm okay.
I'm not going to kill myself, and I don't think I've ever actually come close.
I want to see the end to this health issue.
I want to finish this degree.
I want love and a family so badly, it hurts.
This has been a really long post, & it's nowhere near what I'd intended to write about.
I don't even know what I was supposed to be writing about.
But it's so important to document these emotions, & get them all out.
I need to start being kinder to myself, whatever that means.
I need to start realizing how well I manage to hold myself together, despite the fact I almost always feel like total & complete shit.
I just want to know what it's like to wake up in a good mood & stay there for the entire day.
Better yet, the entire week.
Without medication.
I'm really trying to get there, & it's so tough.
I'm fortunate to still have the willpower & mental energy to get everything I need done, just to stay afloat, but to anyone who doesn't, I feel ya.
And it doesn't have anything to do with weakness.
I don't know if my depression is chemical or situational, or both, or neither.
I just know that it's here, & being miserable is fucking miserable.

I just bought a laptop, so I'm hoping to find more time (and places) to update this site.
As badly as I don't want this to turn into a depression/anxiety based blog, that's kind of all that's happening in my world, at the moment.
I look forward to more positive posts, myself.
And I'm determined to find good reasons to write them.