Monday, July 13, 2015

This far

I'd hate to say I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Cause I'm fucking not.
I'm not even 25.

Here's the deal:
A couple months ago, I finally cut two of the closest things I had to friends permanently out of my life...
And it's literally the best thing that has happened to me since my 20's began.
This post isn't about either one of them.
However, if anyone constantly makes you feel insecure about being yourself, for any stupid reason, all the nice things they do for you at any other point should be cancelled out.
Some people are fucking mangled on the inside.
And that's not your fucking problem.

Anyway, it's been nice getting back to being me again.
I feel like I haven't been myself in years, & that's probably because I really haven't.
I forgot what a good friend I've always been to myself.
Even in my shittiest, most depressed moments, I've been the one to pick myself back up.
Let's face it, this site is the perfect example of that.
I feel like I've been ignoring my best friend for the last few years as she patiently waited for me to come to my senses.

I never in a million years dreamed I'd be 24, working a summer job at a day camp.
The same day camp I went to as a child.
I've only been working there for 3 days, but between me starting about 2 weeks late, working 9.5 hours a day, 5 days a week, & driving 25 minutes to work every day, I can't say I really love it.
I feel like I'm either too on-edge about things or I'm just too laid back.
Probably the social anxiety thing speaking for me, but that's the honest to god truth.

So here's where the quarter-life crises comes in.
Some of the other camp counselors.
I'm considered a "Senior Counselor" which basically just means I'm over 18 & I'm in charge of my assigned Junior counselors.
Big deal.
Some of these male counselors, though, remind me so much of the counselors I used be in love with when I was the kids' ages.

It's so odd trying to explain this without sounding like a fucking pedophile.
None of these guys are under 18.
And it's not really a sexual attraction.
Just a tiny bit.
It's more like an incessant reminder of all the things I didn't at least take a shot at when I was a late teen or even in my early, early 20's.
I find myself wondering if I could've gotten one of these guys if I had just tried back then.
If I hadn't cared so much about my boobs or my hair or my teeth.
If I 'd uncovered some of this confidence that I'm just now beginning to dig up.
Part of me hates the fact that my teenage years are totally & completely over, & I did fuckall with them.
Not that any of these guys are necessarily doing anything with their time, but at least they're working & flirting with girls their age.

I almost wish I'd been more of a slut.
Regretting something you didn't do is way worse than regretting something you did.
At least, that's how I feel.
I always wanted a summer fling.
But every fucking summer I ended up in summer school for math, with a bunch of unmotivated, uncaring morons.
I just suck at math.

My teenage years are gone & I know that.
I accept that.
I just want to get this all figured out.

I feel like I should've been somewhere else by now.
Not working with people who really don't need me.
Not worrying about stupid shit like my adolescence being gone.
Not having awkward conversations with one of the lifeguards (who I've nicknamed 1D because he might as well be Harry fucking Styles), & then wanting to punch myself in the face when he mentions being 18 years old.

I'm not my mom & I'm not my brother.
I suck at a lot.
I don't think I was ever meant to go to college.
I don't think I'm meant to go next semester.
I think I'm wasting my life.
I'm pretty sure I'm wasting my life.
And that sucks a lot too.

This job fucking blows.
I'm not having fun.
I just want to figure out how I can live happily, without the government up my ass for any certain reason.
If someone could promise college would get me there, I'd stay another semester.

But I'm bored & tired as shit.
And all I have is me.
I gotta make sure I'm happy.


I'm going to bed.