Thursday, May 14, 2015

On Being a Witness & Facing the Disconnect

I hated myself today, & tonight was pretty much the worst.
So, I figured this was the perfect time to immortalize this memory.

I went to a show about a month & a half ago.
A hardcore show.
Mind you, while I used to eat, breathe & shit in the unsafe confines of mosh pits during my teenage years, I haven't been to any sort of "rock concert" in the last few years.
A certain band has been giving me life for the past year or so, & when I found out they'd be playing 20 mins from my house, nothing could've stopped me from going...
Not even the person I planned on going with / bought a ticket for, who bailed on me the day of.
All good.

The show was amazing.
It brought me back to why I got into extreme music in the first place.
Basically, even though I was technically alone at the show, I didn't feel like it.
I felt like I was finally back where I belonged, with my crowd of losers & weirdos.

For whatever stupid reason, my goal for the night was to hug the singer of this band.
It sounds really weird, even to myself, in retrospect, but that was definitely my M.O.
I just wanted to hug him, know he was real, & tell him how much his lyrics have helped me with my depression & loneliness.

I pussied out for about 9/10ths of the night.
The dude literally walked past me at least 10 times before their set, & another 5 times after.
I do that shit.
I pussy out.
The second he got off the stage, everyone was running up to him with seemingly the same idea I had.
He gave out like 30 hugs to random dudes who said everything I'd planned on saying but better, then he went backstage & disappeared for a while.

Long story shy, I was sitting at the bar, mad at myself as always, & I finally saw him talking to someone near the merch table.
I jumped off my bar stool, completely interrupted his conversation, & asked him for a hug before my anxiety could kick in & ask me what the fuck I thought I was doing.
He opened his arms to me & he smelled good & it felt amazing.
Like I finally found someone who knows exactly how I'm feeling.
Who doesn't glorify or sugarcoat how fucking frustrating it is to constantly have to fight yourself every single day.
I found him & proved to myself he was actually real.
I tried to tell him what I'd planned on telling him.
It came out similarly to diarrhea, but he somehow understood what I was trying to say & was super grateful.

It's all difficult to put into words.
It was just a really good night.
I was proud of myself for going to the show alone, giving my second ticket to a random guy in line, knowing all the lyrics, and not being a fucking baby when it came to doing what I said I'd do.

I don't hug my friends or my family.
I never really have.
But his hug meant the world to me.
It really did.
It was one of the most comforting moments I've had all year, & I'm glad I can go back to it on days like this.