Monday, April 20, 2015

[Insert Random Emo Song Title Here]

So good news...
I'm an English major again.

I don't know what I was thinking by changing my major so many fucking times.
Well, I was thinking about money.
Money & what other people thought.
Everyone told me English degrees are pointless if you don't want to teach (I don't).
So, I switched to social work after visiting a career counselor.
Then everyone told me social work sucks, it doesn't pay, & I'll be miserable & burned out within a year of working.
So, I switched to psychology.
Then I realized what a fucking moron I am.
So, I went back to social work again.

My depression has been off the chain lately.
After going back to majoring in sociology, I was constantly on the edge of having a psychotic break.
I didn't show up to half of my classes.
I didn't pay attention in the classes I did show up to.
And I didn't give a shit if I passed or failed.

Truth be told, I'm gonna be 24 next week, & I'm so physically & mentally exhausted by college, at this point, I'd probably be willing to turn tricks for a degree.
The only thing that I've ever felt good about is my writing.
Seriously, the only thing.
Why I thought I could get away with doing anything else for the rest of my life, I have no idea.
I was trying to fool myself.
And I failed.
Pretty miserably, actually.
Thank God.

So, next semester, I'm back to doing what I love more than anything.
My excitement is unreal.
I can go back to being the person people envy in class.
The person who everyone wants to partner up with rather than avoid because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Literally, the only thing I want to do with the rest of my life is write & go to shows.
And eat.
That's it.

If I drop the ball on this one, I'm dropping out of college, moving to Oregon & changing my name to some sort of flower.
I could work in a coffee shop out there, or something.
Hell, I'd probably fuck that up too.

This is the last time I ever switch majors.
This is the last time I ever second guess my ability to make a living doing something I actually enjoy.

If I can just make it through this final semester of being a soc major, I'll be home free.
This is gonna work out.
It has to.