Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Update: Beards, Chai, & Eternal Winter


Reporting live from the school library…
I don't know why I always seem to update this site when I'm away from my house.
It's not like I don't have a computer at home, but it's so much easier to talk about what's going on in my life when I'm surrounded by complete strangers my peers, in a place I really have no business even being in.
So, I'm still in college.
I'm pretty sure this makes it, like, 6 years & I should probably have a doctorate degree or something by now, but I don't.
Life.

So, let's get into this shit.
I just withdrew from a class yesterday.
Not because I didn't like the professor.
I did.
Not because it wasn't interesting enough.
It was.
But because I felt like a fucking moron in the class.
That's basically it, when I really think about it.
To me, there's nothing worse than feeling inferior in your own domain.
I was accepted to this college for a reason, I was able to get into this difficult class for a reason.
But I still couldn't seem to keep my head above water while everyone else was cruising past me in speedboats.
The only really shitty part about it, you know, other than missing out on 3 credits, gaining a world of new knowledge, & not spending an hour looking for parking in the morning, the only really shitty part is not seeing, Jordan, the graduate student I used to sit next to, who looked eerily like Clay Cook from the Zac Brown Band.
So devastating, I know.
That's the one nice thing about being a philosophy minor, you get to spend a lot of time with extremely intelligent, heavily bearded men.
I would've spent 4 hours looking for a parking spot if it meant I got to see that luscious saddle beard, every other day.
But, hey.
The dude is too good for me.
Or at least that's the vibe he put out anyway.
I know damn well he's not too good for me, but between discussing Cartesian dualism, stroking his beard, & staring out the window mindlessly, he made it clear he not only had a girlfriend, but I didn't stand a chance with a young scholar like himself.
That's cool, too.
I bet he can't name one William Elliott Whitmore song.
Pathetic.
On my way to class yesterday, I made a point to blast 'If U C Jordan' by Something Corporate.
I'm probably making him out to be a much worse person than he really is, but I had to kill that crush before it got any worse.

Other than him, I've got a dude in a couple of my classes I've aptly nicknamed Vanilla Chai.
I was originally excited to bring him up in this post, but I realized it's pointless.
He's beyond handsome, super friendly, smart, & funny.
Needless to say, it's a dead end for me.
I've talked to him briefly a few times, but I can't seem to spark any interest in him towards me whatsoever.
I don't get it.
I'm so fucking cute.
A little awkward, sure, but my heart is in the right place.
I have class with him in another hour, & about 86% of the reason I even show up is because he's there…half the time.
The last thing I need is another law lecture.
I'm don't even know why I added the class.
However…
At this point, I think it's safe to say, I'm just about used to not getting my way with my crushes ever working out.
Poor me, I know.

I spent the entire fucking summer breaking my back to get one guy's attention, & his eyes looked everywhere except for at me.
Fucking, Jeff.
I will never do that again.
I'm learning that I may not be the prettiest girl, I'm definitely not the smartest girl, & sometimes I do really, really weird shit.
But no guy has a valid reason to dislike me.
I'm just trying to figure out why every guy seems to.
Vanilla Chai is too young for me by my standards, he does that gross thing guys do when they snort their snot back, & he could've made a better choice in sunglasses.
But it would nice to get some sort reciprocation for once.
I have no plans on wife-ing the dude.

So, other than more failed crushes & schoolwork, I really don't have much else going on.
I've been trying to figure out the difference between not knowing who I am & just being interested in everything.
Still haven't gotten a grasp on that.
I've just been focusing more on the things I'm sure of:
Amos Lee, writing, band t-shirts, & watching copious amounts of documentaries.
So thrilling.
I've also been spending a lot of time in the gym, & if Vanilla Chai can't squat more weight than me,  forget it.

It's been a rough winter here in upstate New York.
All you can do is spend time inside & think about shit you really don't want to think about.
I still think about Poetry Boy.
I still think about DisasterCrush.
Every day.
I don't even remember who I was back then.

Anyway, I'm sitting by the window in here & it's fucking freezing.
Keeping up with this site makes my head a little clearer.
I can't say I'll post on here more often.
But I'll sure as hell think about it.

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