Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Greetings From: Somewhere Between Knowing & Not...

Oh hey.
Gotta be honest, for a few months there I totally forgot I had a blog site... online diary?
Whatever the hell this place is.
I can't say I'm back forever & everything will go back to the way it was before I started college & got a job & I'll never have any sort of absence from this site again.

I can't promise that kind of shit anymore.
I don't know why I ever did in the first place.
Truth be told: Unless I mention a band or celebrity in one of my posts, & a random person happens to stumble upon my blog that way, no one visits this site.
I think that sort of disregard is what has always made me feel safe here.
However, these days I've been so worn out, some nights I can't even eat dinner let alone do some online self-reflecting.

My last post was 4 months ago.
4 months.
A lot has happened in that time, but not much worth mentioning.
No love, no lust, no crazy college shit like I used to constantly write about.

Over the summer, I took my nephews out to Lake George.
While I sat out there by the water, I started thinking like a typical-tired-college-kid about how college is taking all of my money just to run me in circles.
Long story shy, I decided not to go back to school for at least one semester.
My GPA was on the brink of a 4.0, I was dead-tired of schoolwork, & I figured I could pick up some more hours at work, save my money, & see the rest of the country if not just the gorgeous state of New York.

It all sounded perfect in my head.
That is, until the deadline for Fall semester started haunting me & I eventually caved, paid my tuition on the last possible day, & informed my best friend that instead of taking the semester off like the fucking rebels we were supposed to be, I was going back to school...full-time...again.
Education is a huge deal in my family.
My mom is a retired psychologist.
My brother is a lawyer in D.C.
& I'm the one that was born way too late & constantly trying to keep my head above water.
I had to go back to school.
I don't know why, but I did.

Last semester was pretty awful.
I completely fucked up my 4.0 with one grade, & for the past 2 & a half months I've been spiraling.
I finally took this semester off to focus on life (a.k.a. working sometimes 7 days a week).
I just got over a weird stint where I was sick for 2 months straight & no one knew what was wrong with me.
That was fun.

The best I can do at this point in my life is to say Fuck It.
In two months, I'l be 22 & I'm just about in the same place I was in at age 19.
I just applied to another University & more than anything, I hope I'm accepted.
I'm ready to start over.
I miss the excitement of college.
Even though the majority of it was in my head (DisasterCrush, Poetry Boy, etc...).

I haven't been writing as much as I used to & that's something that really bums me out.
I don't know what's getting into me, man.
Some nights, all I want to do is write but I get in the bed, turn off the light & try not to think about everything that needs to be said.
I want to get back to good.
I want to be in a new environment that can give me fresh shit to write about.
Sure, all of my DisasterCrush posts were ridiculous and somewhat psychotic, but I miss feeling that strongly about something or someone.

I just want to get back to life.
I see my boss who's in her 50's.
She gets up at 3:30 am, to open the gym at 4.
She is the last thing I ever want to be.
Fat, lazy, tired-looking, uninspired.
Fuck that.
I just want to be happy.

& I am happy, but I want to keep moving.
Half the bitches I graduated high school with are doing absolutely nothing with their life.
My best friend in high school is now 8 months pregnant, with a bad back, working for some company she could give a shit about.
I don't want to get stuck like that.
I refuse to get stuck like that.

As I say in the end of just about every post: I don't know where I'm going with this.
It's been a while since I've been on here, so excuse me if this was more of a mindless ramble rather than an update.
But whatever.
Hopefully, I'll get all this shit straightened out.

Again, I'll be back when I come back.
Time to get some writing done.

Goodnight.

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