Saturday, October 13, 2012

Thinking While Tipsy: An Overly Tired Aftermath

A couple hours ago, I was pretty buzzed.
I'd been drinking beer, Facebook stalking some failed-crushes, & reading my old high school diary out loud to myself.
The buzz wore off pretty quickly.
I mean, fuck, it was just a couple beers.
But, in between the gray area of not being drunk, but still feeling killer, I started thinking about something.
I have a feeling, this "something" would have been easier to bring up were I still tipsy, but at this point, it's 1 a.m., & I'm far too tired to even think about caring.

I was thinking about my best friend & I when we were in junior high school.
We were total losers.
She was the white girl with the permed mullet, flat chest, & so much metal in her mouth, she looked like a robot.
I was the black girl who wore the same sweat pants every day, listened to Slipknot, & never did her homework.
Needless to say, neither one of us got any sort of attention from boys... unless the boys were making fun of us.
All she & I had for those two years was each other, & even though we were sort of cool with that, we'd both still catch ourselves feeling jealous of all the couples at school bragging about kissing & fingering & fucking.
She had a crush on our mutual friend who had no interest in her whatsoever, & I had my sights set on...I don't know, Nikki Sixx or something.
We both yearned for some sort of relationship with the opposite sex, & occasionally, we'd subtly ask each other if something was wrong with us.

Now you have to understand, this was the day before Facebook, Myspace, texting, ect.
We communicated by passing notes in class & calling each other on our home phones every night.
Terrifying, I know.
Sometimes, we'd write each other long, 4 or 5 page notes at night to give each other in the morning.
We usually put things in these notes that we would've felt uncomfortable saying face to face, or getting an immediate response to during class.

One night, I wrote her a note telling her not to get down about the boy she liked who didn't like her back.
I told her she was beautiful inside & out, & that the reason neither one of us could get boyfriends was because God, or whoever, was saving us for some sexy-ass Seniors in the high school next door.
After telling her this, I gotta admit, we both got a little stoked.
I thought I'd get out of 8th grade, start high school as a whole new person & knock some 12th grade, varsity -football-playing metal-head off his feet.
I'm sure you see where this is going.

Now here's where irony made a 360 & windmill kicked me in the face:
My best friend's family & my family got into a small argument over the summer that caused me & her stop talking for about 3 years.
However, by the time she got to high school, my best friend had learned to straighten her hair, grown breasts, & had perfectly straight teeth.
Me? I may have tried to dress differently (a.k.a. I got rid of the sweatpants), but no one took me seriously, no one liked me, & I was the same dork in a different school.

After 3 years of her dodging boys & loudly arguing her way out of a couple cheap, 1 week long relationships,
& After 3 years of me relentlessly chasing boys & constantly telling the wrong person about my crush,  just to be ridiculed for it,
My best friend & I reconnected during our last year of high school.
She'd just starting dating this guy who's sister she worked with.

It's been four & a half years since then.
She's still my best friend, & she's still with that same guy.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love him.
I consider him my brother in-law, even though I rarely see the dude.
They have a house together, right down the street from me, & he's got a high paying job so he's able to take care of the both of them.

Sometimes I wonder how I went from being so whimsically optimistic about love, to just completely missing the train.
My best friend doesn't help much either.
She's been secure & in love for the past four years.
What does she know about trying to find someone?
Every time we go out, it's a stupid statement about me & my issues with boys:

"You don't really get out & meet people, that's what your problem is."

"I can't imagine you having sex."

"Do you even want a boyfriend?"

We were at lunch when she dropped that third one.
I immediately got horribly embarrassed & I could tell my reluctance to answer the question embarrassed her too.
Did she think I was asexual?
Did she really believe I was a lesbian like the rest of her family did?
Did she think that at 20 years old, I wasn't still crying over boys because they wouldn't even look in my direction?
All I said was "Of course I do", & she said "yeah", & that was that.

Not for a minute do I believe that no guy has ever been attracted to me.
Remember Poetry Boy?
Somehow, I'm always finding myself bouncing between the dream of finding that one in a million like my best friend, & listening to another friend of mine who tells me I just need to fuck & get the whole thing over with.

"Guys can sense when you're a virgin," This girl said, last time I saw her. "You're giving off a pheromone of innocence, like a little girl, so they don't want to go near you. Once you fuck, guys are gonna be all over you."
Yeah, I don't think so.
I can somewhat understand why someone like her might scoff at my whole rule of being in a relationship before even considering sex.
After all, I still haven't figured out how to get into a relationship...but neither has she & not one dude she's had sex with has an ounce of respect for her.
At the end of the day, I'd rather be the girl with no experience & all the respect for myself in the world, than be someone like her.

I'm slowly learning how to move my self-consciousness out of the way, so I can just feel decent about talking to a guy.
It's hard.
Especially in this town where everyone is white & I'm, well, not.
It's rough getting past the preconceived notions, ignorant questions, & bullshit expectations.
It's tough not feeling bitter toward my best friend for her luck, & not assuming that maybe there is something horribly wrong with me.

It's funny thinking about that note I wrote my best friend almost 10 years ago, telling her that the older, cooler, more mature boys were waiting for us if we could just wait until we got to high school.
She found hers.
I'm gonna try to channel that whimsical optimism again & say that my guy never ditched me, he's just running late.