Saturday, October 13, 2012

Thinking While Tipsy: An Overly Tired Aftermath

A couple hours ago, I was pretty buzzed.
I'd been drinking beer, Facebook stalking some failed-crushes, & reading my old high school diary out loud to myself.
The buzz wore off pretty quickly.
I mean, fuck, it was just a couple beers.
But, in between the gray area of not being drunk, but still feeling killer, I started thinking about something.
I have a feeling, this "something" would have been easier to bring up were I still tipsy, but at this point, it's 1 a.m., & I'm far too tired to even think about caring.

I was thinking about my best friend & I when we were in junior high school.
We were total losers.
She was the white girl with the permed mullet, flat chest, & so much metal in her mouth, she looked like a robot.
I was the black girl who wore the same sweat pants every day, listened to Slipknot, & never did her homework.
Needless to say, neither one of us got any sort of attention from boys... unless the boys were making fun of us.
All she & I had for those two years was each other, & even though we were sort of cool with that, we'd both still catch ourselves feeling jealous of all the couples at school bragging about kissing & fingering & fucking.
She had a crush on our mutual friend who had no interest in her whatsoever, & I had my sights set on...I don't know, Nikki Sixx or something.
We both yearned for some sort of relationship with the opposite sex, & occasionally, we'd subtly ask each other if something was wrong with us.

Now you have to understand, this was the day before Facebook, Myspace, texting, ect.
We communicated by passing notes in class & calling each other on our home phones every night.
Terrifying, I know.
Sometimes, we'd write each other long, 4 or 5 page notes at night to give each other in the morning.
We usually put things in these notes that we would've felt uncomfortable saying face to face, or getting an immediate response to during class.

One night, I wrote her a note telling her not to get down about the boy she liked who didn't like her back.
I told her she was beautiful inside & out, & that the reason neither one of us could get boyfriends was because God, or whoever, was saving us for some sexy-ass Seniors in the high school next door.
After telling her this, I gotta admit, we both got a little stoked.
I thought I'd get out of 8th grade, start high school as a whole new person & knock some 12th grade, varsity -football-playing metal-head off his feet.
I'm sure you see where this is going.

Now here's where irony made a 360 & windmill kicked me in the face:
My best friend's family & my family got into a small argument over the summer that caused me & her stop talking for about 3 years.
However, by the time she got to high school, my best friend had learned to straighten her hair, grown breasts, & had perfectly straight teeth.
Me? I may have tried to dress differently (a.k.a. I got rid of the sweatpants), but no one took me seriously, no one liked me, & I was the same dork in a different school.

After 3 years of her dodging boys & loudly arguing her way out of a couple cheap, 1 week long relationships,
& After 3 years of me relentlessly chasing boys & constantly telling the wrong person about my crush,  just to be ridiculed for it,
My best friend & I reconnected during our last year of high school.
She'd just starting dating this guy who's sister she worked with.

It's been four & a half years since then.
She's still my best friend, & she's still with that same guy.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love him.
I consider him my brother in-law, even though I rarely see the dude.
They have a house together, right down the street from me, & he's got a high paying job so he's able to take care of the both of them.

Sometimes I wonder how I went from being so whimsically optimistic about love, to just completely missing the train.
My best friend doesn't help much either.
She's been secure & in love for the past four years.
What does she know about trying to find someone?
Every time we go out, it's a stupid statement about me & my issues with boys:

"You don't really get out & meet people, that's what your problem is."

"I can't imagine you having sex."

"Do you even want a boyfriend?"

We were at lunch when she dropped that third one.
I immediately got horribly embarrassed & I could tell my reluctance to answer the question embarrassed her too.
Did she think I was asexual?
Did she really believe I was a lesbian like the rest of her family did?
Did she think that at 20 years old, I wasn't still crying over boys because they wouldn't even look in my direction?
All I said was "Of course I do", & she said "yeah", & that was that.

Not for a minute do I believe that no guy has ever been attracted to me.
Remember Poetry Boy?
Somehow, I'm always finding myself bouncing between the dream of finding that one in a million like my best friend, & listening to another friend of mine who tells me I just need to fuck & get the whole thing over with.

"Guys can sense when you're a virgin," This girl said, last time I saw her. "You're giving off a pheromone of innocence, like a little girl, so they don't want to go near you. Once you fuck, guys are gonna be all over you."
Yeah, I don't think so.
I can somewhat understand why someone like her might scoff at my whole rule of being in a relationship before even considering sex.
After all, I still haven't figured out how to get into a relationship...but neither has she & not one dude she's had sex with has an ounce of respect for her.
At the end of the day, I'd rather be the girl with no experience & all the respect for myself in the world, than be someone like her.

I'm slowly learning how to move my self-consciousness out of the way, so I can just feel decent about talking to a guy.
It's hard.
Especially in this town where everyone is white & I'm, well, not.
It's rough getting past the preconceived notions, ignorant questions, & bullshit expectations.
It's tough not feeling bitter toward my best friend for her luck, & not assuming that maybe there is something horribly wrong with me.

It's funny thinking about that note I wrote my best friend almost 10 years ago, telling her that the older, cooler, more mature boys were waiting for us if we could just wait until we got to high school.
She found hers.
I'm gonna try to channel that whimsical optimism again & say that my guy never ditched me, he's just running late.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

School, Work & All the Nothing in Between

School has been in session for a little over a month now, & I, of course, have already had my fair share of issues.

Let's skip school for a second & cover something that should probably get knocked out first & foremost: BEAR.

(If you haven't read the afore posted entry, this story probably isn't going to make much sense.)

So, I was working out with HER the other day when I happened to notice that Bear was also in the gym.

Me: Oh shit, Bear's here.

HER: *blank expression* ...Who?

Me: Bear. You know, the guy Past used to have a crush on.

HER: Oh yeah. Which one is he?

Me: The guy right there in the gray shirt.

HER: Huh. I've never seen him in person.

Me: He's handsome, right?

HER: *completely ignores me*

A few minutes later, Past comes running up to us, seemingly out of nowhere with this huge-ass annoying smile on her face.

Past (to HER): You know that guy, Bear, that I used to have a crush on? Well, he wants me to tell you that he loves you, he's moving to Colorado, & he's sorry things didn't work out between you two.

HER: What the fuck?

Past: I have no idea. He just wanted me to tell you that.

HER: *a couple minutes later* That's so weird, I've never even seen him in person before...Great now he's smiling at me.

Me: *imagining myself banging my head against a concrete wall*

So, yeah.
That's how that one goes.
Apparently, Bear is still going through Past to tell HER he thinks she's hot & all the rest of it.
& to think, I thought I actually had a shot with that dude.

Moving on, school has been decent so far.
I won't go into the one class that's been all fucked up for me from the start, but aside from that, it's been pretty good compared to some past semesters.
Even my statistics class is holding up pretty well.
I guess I lucked out, this time around.

As far as the boy report goes: Not much to report on.
The only dude I think anything of thus far, is a guy who's too young for me in my English class.
He's extremely nice & you can tell he's one of those guys who's going to get more & more handsome with age.
That's about all I have to say about him, other than the fact he was wearing some bad-ass grey Nikes today.
I wanted to tell him, know how I am.

Yet, despite all this bullshit weather here in upstate New York, & despite the monotonous drive to school, & the millions of staircases that I have to climb, & all the 1st world problems that constantly cloud my head as I keep trying to get to the end of this hamster wheel they call college, I gotta say, The Gaslight Anthem's new album, Handwritten, is making everything in my life better than I ever thought it could be.
Kind of like American Slang did, a couple years ago.
Kind of like The '59 Sound did before that.
This is the only band I can listen to without thinking myself into the ground.
This is the only band I've never "broken-up" with.
This is the only band I truly, wholeheartedly respect.

Today was the first day my first class didn't suck.
I aced a test, I could've swore I failed, in another class.
And I got some awesome new books at B&N today.
Why did everything go right today?
Well, I like to think it's because I fell asleep with "Too Much Blood" blasting from my headphones last night.
I woke up happy & showed up late for class in an awesome mood.
I love The Gaslight Anthem.

Speaking of books, I picked up Carlos Andres Gomez's book, "Man Up".
I'm fucking stoked, needless to say.
He's easily one of my favorite poets, & when I walked down a random aisle & saw his face staring me down from the cover of his book, I found it hard to not make a scene before grabbing the book, shamelessly hugging it, & scurrying like a mouse to go pay for it.
Yeah, I get like that with books.
Type this dude's name into YouTube, & hopefully you'll understand my excitement.
I'll leave some of his work up top if you're too lazy.

Anyway, life's good.
I'm all over the place as usual.
I took a FocusMaster class yesterday.
I work in a gym, so it was free for me to take, but now I can't even squat to sit down.
My entire body feels like a giant bruise.
I'm hoping to be able to take it every Tuesday, but the way things are looking now, I may as well just throw the towel in.
We'll see.
I'm sure it was pretty comical to watch me try to "roll" in & out of my car today, because my thighs are too sore for me to bend my knees.
I'm a mess.
A real fucking mess.

I'll talk to you soon.
Maybe me & the boy with the bad-ass grey Nikes will have a cool conversation one day.
Maybe he'll even compliment me on my own bad-ass grey Nikes.
Maybe not.
I got some cool key chains today, I'm gonna go attach them to my keys now...


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

My Life (& all of it's counterparts):

I'm alive & well, & I guess there isn't much use in explaining my absence.
It was like I had all these plans to post, I even had drafts saved, but I suddenly couldn't get the nerve to sit down & talk about everything that's been going on...
First off, I've been working my ass off lately.
I've been bouncing back & fourth between working at a gym/daycare, & babysitting for one of the kids I watch in the daycare.
The way I've been working, you'd think I'd have enough money to buy myself a mansion, but while practicing the art of cutting my paychecks in half (half goes in the savings account), I'm just barely getting by.
No, that wasn't a complaint.
Just a simple truth.
I love my jobs & I feel fortunate that they came into my life, along with all the characters that marched in with them.

There's my incredibly sexy, and conversationally challenged manager: "Ireland"

My, new-found-friend, drop-dead gorgeous, smart, funny, all-the-boys-want-to-fuck-her, 17 year old co-worker: "HER".

My annoyingly perky, dangerously stupid, full-blown-alcoholic, 19 year old co-worker: "Blonde".

The handsome and endearingly strange, 22 year old front desk worker, who I had a huge crush on for months, but who wanted nothing more than to fuck HER so he ignored the shit out of me until he got the hint that she didn't want his dick: "Van".

Anddd the 16 year old trainer/front desk girl who came back into my life after us growing up as neighbors & not seeing each other for ten years, who I also forgave for her constant requests for rides & her accidental night of getting drunk & sleeping with the one guy I told her I liked: "Past".

There's a million other people that I work with, but those seem to be the key players I often find myself stuck around.
To be completely honest, my summer has been amazing & I'm dragging my apprehensive little feet to go back to school.
My schedule is packed this semester.
School 5 days a week, on top of my two jobs.
Doesn't sound like a whole lot, but I'm sure when it get's down to crunch-time, it's not going to be as easy as I'd like it to be.

Anyway, we'll worry about school when it's actually in session.
It's summer...& I wish I had some crazy summer fling story to share.
You know, like, falling in love with a guy from Puerto Rico or some shit, & then he's gotta go back at the end of summer, so I'm all sad & confused & shit.
Not me.
As long as we're being open & honest here (& we always are), I've been so embarrassingly hung-up over Van all summer, I haven't had much time to swoon over anyone else...that is, except for the guy Past slept with (& I'll be damned if we bring that scumbag up).

Ironically, Past had a crush on a 26 year old gym member...
We'll call him, "Bear".
Even though she's not yet 17 & this dude is 26, & I was trying to do my best as a friend & root for her...until I saw him.
Bear is good-looking to say the very least.
However, he barely has his shit together: No car, No driver's license, Stoner, Works in a Head Shop, Never went to college. One of those guys...
But I swear this motherfucker likes me.
I've only been weakly introduced to him once, but he always says "what's up" to me or asks me how my work out was like we've known each other for years.
One day, Bear was ordering a protein shake & I was sitting next to him at the counter, while Past sat on the other side of me, grinning like a fucking teenage girl idiot.

Front Desk Girl: Do you want chocolate in your shake?
Bear: Yeah, you know how I love that chocolate. *winks at me*

The stupid, & oh-so-white-boy gesture went completely over Past's head, but it never left mine.
Now that Past has a real-life boyfriend a.k.a. the 22 year old gym custodian, who originally told Past she was too young for him, then went on to sleeping with her, & buying her a stereo system for the car that she's not yet licensed to drive, I'm seeing Bear as any man's game.
Would that throw me down to Past's level as far as what she did with the guy I liked?
I don't know, but I don't have any set plans for Bear.
I enjoy seeing him in all his sweaty glory every now & then, but push come to shove, I wonder how Past would actually feel if Bear did want something to do with me?
I mastered the art of jumping the gun years ago, so I'll just have to keep you informed on what goes on, if anything ever does.

Aside from Van, Bear & the frustratingly handsome guy, named after a city who works out at the gym, my summer has been relatively love-less.
& I'm okay with that.
After my high school co-workers individually confidentially telling me all the guys they've had sex with (or can remember having sex with), I'm proud of myself for respecting my body for all these years.
I have no regrets & that's a hell of a lot more liberating than counting the notches on my belt.

It's crazy to think, I haven't posted since March.
All the things in between then & now seem so small.
Even my modest 21st birthday.
Even scoring a 4.0 last semester.
Even still occasionally swatting at passing thoughts of Poetry Boy & DisasterCrush.
It's been a long & odd past few months, & sometimes I feel like I'm back at square one all over again with what the fuck I'm going to do with myself for the rest of my life.
That decision is still in progress & I have a feeling it will be for a while.
I'm happy.
That's what's most important.

 It's really good to be back.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Why So Sad?

Because I haven't posted in a month & a half?
Because I never gave a reason why?
Because I'm back now?
Either way, I honestly don't have a reason for being gone so long.
A few weeks ago, I started working on some new posts, but I guess I got a little distracted with school & the job hustle, I never got around to finishing them, let alone posting them.

So, here I am.

Nothing too drastic has happened around here, but there's definitely been some slight changes & adjustments in my life lately.
I'm not sure how to go about talking about all of this, so maybe I'll just list things...

Jonny Craig:
One of my posts that I was working on a couple weeks ago was about Jonny, & I, of course, had to keep changing it because I couldn't decide how I felt about anything.
& I still don't know how I feel...
I've been hearing some really shitty rumors about Jonny that I won't repeat here, only because there hasn't been any real validation to them.
Jonny never released the acoustic EP that everyone was so stoked for last summer, his birthday just passed, he hasn't been on Twitter in almost a year, & I have no idea where he is.
Everything this dude does breaks my heart more.
He recently put out a random song he wrote called "Lennon Bus", & though a lot of people say his voice isn't what it used to be, I think it's one of the best pieces of music Jonny's ever recorded.
A lot of emotion. A lot of pain. A lot of regret.
All sung over an acoustic guitar.
I don't know what to make of Jonny's situation, because I can't really figure out what his situation is.
I know he has serious issues.
If he puts out more music, I'll buy or download it, but I'm not going to stay caught up with a 26 year old man who has no respect for himself.
No more fanatic shit.
From now on, all I can be is a fan.
I'll leave the song here for anyone who wants to hear it.
Totally raw & extremely beautiful.

I'll keep this short & sweet.
Only because my school life bores the fuck out of me, & I can only imagine what it does to you.
Basically, I'm screwed next semester.
I have to take 2 sciences & a math, which means I'm going to have to get a math tutor.
Speaking of tutoring, the dude in charge of tutoring who I was having issues with in the beginning of the semester, never contacted me.
I visited him twice, then went to my advisor about it & still nothing.
I've had straight A's in English since I was a kid, I had 3 professor recommendations, & I turned the application in on the second week of school.
I don't know where I went wrong or who's to blame for the outcome or lack thereof, but it sucks.
I could've made money off of doing something I truly love.

Well, first & foremost, I believe the DisasterCrush days are over.
I know, I know.
It's been close to a year now since I've actually seen DisasterCrush in the (beautiful, beautiful) flesh, & the pain of wanting him so badly & not being able to have him, has finally subsided.
Now, if he were to randomly come back to our shitty little college, & be the same & look the same & talk the same, would I fall back in lust with him?
I'm about a 100% sure that will never happen, & if it does, I'm sure other girls will be just as willing to be in love with him as I was last year.
I've kind of been thrown back to square one, though lately.
No new boys, except a semi-cute Italian boy who reeks of cigarettes & holds doors for me after class.
Oh, & then there's the dude I went to high school with, who's best friend I had a crush on in 10th grade, who smiles & stares at me in the morning.
Both are very nice boys & I appreciate the...non-asshole behavior around me.
Honestly, I still dream about Poetry Boy for some reason.
It's been well over a year since last seeing him, but he still sneaks into my dreams occasionally, & we're always very happy to be together in my dreams.
I'll just leave that one there.
No new prospects.
Nothing more to discuss.

My B-day:
The big 2-1 is coming up next month, & though it probably seems like I should have a lot to say about that, I don't.
I don't have any plans so far, & I probably won't do much on the actual day.
Overrated as fuck.
But, we'll talk about that another time.

Music I've Been Blasting:
Immortal Technique (duh), The Sats, Bob Dylan, Adele, The Weeknd, Joell Ortiz, Janis Joplin, Mickey Factz, Joe Budden, 3LW, Mutya Buena, Slaughterhouse, & Amos Lee (duh).

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about a kid who used to be my best friend when we were really, really young.
We're calling him "Blue".
I found a bunch of pictures of Blue & I when we were little, walking around our classroom, holding hand as we always did.
I got bombarded by all these memories of Blue & his family, especially his mother who was the true definition of a "flower-child".
I have no I idea who or where Blue is these days, but I imagine him being as cool as his mother & as smart as his college professor father.
I don't know why I'm telling you this.
I've been listening to all the old blues & folk music I own because it all brings back memories of Blue, & his beautiful house, & going way up in the Catskill Mountains when we were kids.
Not sure why I'm so reminiscent all of the sudden.
Maybe it has to do with my birthday.

So that's that, I think.
Like I said, not too much going on.
Still thinking about a guy I saw on a train leaving Grand Central Station.
He got off in Harlem, & he's been on my mind ever since.
I'll try not to let this much time get between us again, but when nothing's going on, there's really no sense in talking about it.

Next time...

Sunday, February 19, 2012


This morning, I woke up from a strange dream.
Basically, I died...
BUT, not only did I go to heaven, DisasterCrush was there when I showed up.
Weird, I know.
I don't dream about DisasterCrush any more than I dream about anyone else in my life.
I would dream about Poetry Boy quite often for a long time last year, then eventually the reoccurring dreams stopped.
As far as DisasterCrush goes though, sometimes he'll pop up in a dream, but usually not & I never think anything of it when he does.
This last dream, however, it was just me & him in heaven.
Heaven was the country he lives in (the afore posted picture) & we were sitting by this fence, staring off at all the scenery.
I felt really familiar with him, like I'd known him all my life, but hadn't seen him in ages.
He told me I looked "hot" & then it dawned on us that we were alone in heaven, & we would never see anyone we loved ever again.
It was just me & him in paradise for eternity & we were both trying to decide how we felt about that.
Then I woke up...with a pretty bad headache.
No idea what the dream is supposed to mean, but it was nice seeing good ole' DisasterCrush again, & the beauty of the place we were in was surreal.

I was exhausted yesterday from getting up too early, & crying while watching Whitney Houston's homegoing.
I'm sure that played a part in how vivid the dream was.
Hopefully, it wasn't an omen.
I mean, I'd love to see DisasterCrush again, but we shouldn't both have to die for that to happen.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

...And We're Back.

In more ways than one, that's for sure.
First & foremost, Happy Valentine's Day.
Second & secondmost, I had a bit of a deja vu moment today.
My current English class is...well...the "professor" is lowest form of bitch, as a bitch can get.
I was tempted to break out the "C" word to define her, but that wouldn't be very fucking ladylike.
I feel like a little angel has been telling me to get the fuck out of the class while I still had time, & today I finally listened.
Everything has been going wrong since day one as far as this class goes, but today, as soon as this whore walked in & told us we were having a quiz on something I swear she didn't assign, I gathered my shit loudly & immaturely, & proceeded to walk the fuck out of her class.
I'll be seeing my adviser tomorrow or Thursday so I can safely withdraw, because it's just not happening.
The bitch doesn't even acknowledge me while I'm in class.
The point in staying is obsolete.

Other than all that, I dyed my hair.
I'm too weird about taking pictures of myself, so my best friend is the only one that actually knows, only because I see her every week.
I'm digging the new change, but after sitting in a salon for literally 5 hours & my hair not looking anything like the picture I'd given the hairdresser a month earlier, I guess my enthusiasm was kind of...curbed.
Still haven't gotten glasses...still can't see.

Tutoring still hasn't worked out in my favor, either.
I'm not sure what this guy's problem is, but I turned in my application weeks ago & followed up on it twice, & still nothing.
There's no reason for him not to hire me & he hasn't even given me an interview, even though tutoring has already started.
I'm not sure what the issue is.
There's always some unseen factor tampering with my ability to get money.
I'ma check up on it one more time, but after that, it's out of my control.
I shouldn't have to remind someone to do their (pretty simple) job.

So... this makes it a year since having classes with DisasterCrush.
If I weren't friends with him on Facebook, would I still be talking about him this far down the road?
Absolutely not.
Like I said, he doesn't even live in this country anymore & thanks to this little thing we call Facebook, we can keep people in our lives for as long as we want, without them even realizing it.
That last part sounded kind of creepy...but, I meant it.
DisasterCrush is one gorgeous dude, & while looking at pictures of him living the single life in a country that resembles heaven, I've been having a hard time believing that I ever really knew him at all.
What the fuck was he doing here?
Anyway, another one of my loves has mysteriously come back into my life.
No, not DisasterCrush2...not South...not Senior.
You know how I feel about jinxing shit, so that's all I'll say.
I'm trying to learn how to stop looking back, & focus on the good in front of me...even when I can't see it.
Truth be told, the likelihood of DisasterCrush ever coming back to N.Y., never mind me seeing him again, it slim to nada.
...Then again, I said that about the other guy too.
Never underestimate life.

Currently trying to work out some plans to go to Harlem for my 21st birthday.
I haven't gotten far enough with those plans to share them yet, but I'm determined to hit up 125th St. & that's about all I know.

I told you about the 2011 post I've been working on since...2011, & the longer I take to finish it, the less relevant the post seems to get.
However, I'm still gonna try to get that out there.
I got a lot going on right now as far as school & things go, so hopefully once my load eases up a bit, I might have some decently interesting stories to tell.
Until then...
Behave yourselves.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Que Pasa?

I know it's been a minute, but I've been working on the same draft since New Year's Day.
I figured I should at least give a little update, just so, you don't think I died or something.

Everything's been pretty bomb so far this year.
Last week was my first week back at school, & of course I read my schedule wrong & missed the entire first day.
Oh well...
I've been working a lot on myself.
Getting my shit together.
Trying to figure out who it is that I want to be.
Trying to figure out what it is that I want to do.
So far, I got nothin'.

I decided to look into becoming an English tutor at my school...just cause I've taken & passed every fucking English course at this school (minus the one I'm currently in).
Seeing as tutoring at my school is a Federal job & you get a decent hourly paycheck, I figured it would be a nice (not to mention easy) way to earn some extra cash.
So the other day, I got my ass lost trying to find the dude in charge of hiring tutors.
I finally find this fool & he walks right past me to answer his phone.
So, I stand at a comfortable distance to respect his privacy.
He gets off the phone, sees me standing there & tries to walk away again.

Me: Excuse me. I wanted to apply for tutoring.
That Guy: What?
That Guy: You want to be a tutor?
Me: Yeah, they told me to come see you.
That Guy: They? They? They? They?
Me: The librar-
That Guy: They? They?
That Guy: Do you have references?
Me: *lying* Yeah.
That Guy: Who?
Me: Professor "X".
That Guy: Who?
That Guy: Okay. Fill out this application & when you turn it in, I'll e-mail you & tell you what to do next.

So I get my ass home & shoot 3 of my English professors e-mails asking them for recommendations.
I only needed one, but I did it just to be cautious.
Guess what?
All 3 of them gave me recommendations.
There's 3 courses I'm qualified to tutor in.
Now the only thing standing in my way is an interview with That Guy & I'll have a little part-time job going for me.

Other than that, I was on break prior to last week & didn't do shit but clean my room.
Like I said, there's a pretty big post pending right now & it should touch on a lot of what happened in 2011.
Turning 20...
Losing heroes...

So, stay with me.
I'll be back sooner than you know...