Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Brace Yourself.


Just went for super quick drive.
I basically had to mail a letter & since the two mailboxes in my apartment complex are relatively close, I drove around in about 4 circles before stopping at one to mail my letter.
In all honesty, the letter probably could've waited until tomorrow, but I had to get some fresh air & blast The 3rd World in my car before 10 o'clock struck & my tightly-wound neighbors called the cops.
Today feels really long.
As soon as I woke up, I somehow wound up in TGIFridays & then the mall for 5 hours.
I got a shit-load of stuff with the money I made from selling my books last Wednesday.
I'm a little stressed out about what I'm going to do with myself all summer.
The Spring semester is offically done & over with, & even though I know I passed everything, I'm still terrifed to check my grades.
Oh well, we'll see.
I'm excited about this summer for some reason, though.
Obviously, I'm gonna try to get a job & make some cash, but until then, I'm just here...in this fucking apartment...talking to myself.

So let's talk about some things I really wish we didn't have to talk about.
More often than not, I find that if something is constantly on my mind, it's there for a reason & leaving it in my head to stew around will get me absolutely nowhere.
That's where you come in & if you have any knowledge of the posts I wrote earlier in the semester, I'm sure you know exactly where I'm going with this.

I don't want to talk about him either.
You've gotta believe me.


The night before my 20th birthday, I wrote a letter to DisasterCrush1.
Before you get all psyched, I wrote it in my "letter diary", a notebook in which I write letters to people who will never read them.
In the letter I told him everything I wish I could've really told him.
All good things because he's nothing but a good person.
I ended the letter with "goodbye" & I wanted that to be the end of it.
I wanted to leave him in my teenage years.
I wanted to leave him in my past.
I wanted every feeling I ever felt for this guy, good, bad, pretty, ugly, quiet, loud, perfect, flawed, well-constructed & totally shattered, TO. GO. AWAY.
To be gone like the entire 7 years I'd just written off.
To disappear like yesterday.
To walk away from me like I've tried so fucking hard to walk away from it.
I just want resolve from this crush.
DisasterCrush1.
Not DisasterLove1.
Not DisasterSoulmate1.
Not even DisasterFuck1.
He's just a stupid crush & next semester, he's not even going to exist in real life anymore.
Just on my Facebook where his name & face come up every time I go to my profile.
Every. Time.
Must be a glitch or something.
The worst part of never getting to know this guy, is having to wonder what he's really like.
Friendly, handsome, listens to metal, hilarious, artistic, self-sufficient.
I got all that from him, no problem.
It kind of feels like I spent weeks planning an interview with someone, getting the questions all ready, planning out what I'm going to wear, counting down the days, excited as all hell...& then the person never showed up & I never found out why.
This guy is a huge question I just want answered, for once & for all.
I want my iPod, this site & my notebooks to be my best friends again, not reminders of my brutal curiosity.
It's been 3 months since I first talked to DisasterCrush1 in the advisor's office at school.
3 months since I learned his name.
3 months since I had the first & most likely last conversation I'll ever have with him.
3 months since I gave up all hope on PoetryBoy from Fall semester & decided to pursue the most beautiful guy I've ever met.
It's been 3 months since I can remember going to class, looking at DisasterCrush1 & feeling NOTHING.

The shit has got to stop.

Today was PoetryBoy's birthday & I would've given anything for him to just come back & make me forget about everything that happened this semester.
When I said "goodbye" to DisasterCrush1 2 weeks ago, I meant it with all my heart.
I don't understand why I just can't let go.

Hey, New Favorite Interview:


I've been watching this interview religiously every single day since I found it about 2 weeks ago.
I can't put into words how in love I am with it, so I'll just let it speak for itself.
Immortal Technique is the most honest, intelligent, & not to mention stupid-attractive musician around today.
I don't know what the girl was doing behind the camera, but between Tech's voice, the way he looks at her & his immaculate responses to every question, I have a hard time not blushing watching this video.
It's a good thing I've never met this dude.
I'd for sure make a fool outta myself.