Friday, April 29, 2011

Here We Go.

The last day.
My plan was to write for a while last night & tonight on the subject of turning 20.
However, I had a research paper due today & I ended up staying up until 1am just to finish it.
Saying I'm turning 20 is fine.
Saying I'm never going to be a teenager again after today is heart breaking.
So let's talk about why, shall we?
There's multiple reasons for why I feel so down about my birthday this year.
I think the main reason is: I DIDN'T DO SHIT AS A TEENAGER.
No matter how you tear apart my diaries, I really didn't do anything with my life for 7 years.

I smoked cigarettes in the summer for 2 years but it never made me feel cool.
I drank alcohol but I was so afraid of throwing up, I never once got drunk.
I didn't get invited to a single party.
I never had a boyfriend.
I couldn't stay friends with more than one girl at a time because all my friends hated each other.
I never drove to school like all the other kids in 11th & 12th grade.
I was bullied all through junior high.
I was too disgusted with the idea of weed killing your brain cells to ever smoke it.
I only got asked out once (I was in 9th grade & the dude had just finished telling me about how he was in a gang & always carried a gun...white boy in a small suburban town, mind you).
I never had a birthday party because I never had enough friends to throw one.
I NEVER had money, even when I had a job.

I could mull over all the shit I didn't do as a teen for the rest of the day, but it'll only depress me more.
I'm not sure if you remember my former crush, Poetry Boy, from last semester?
Yeah, well I talked to him online about 4 months ago & he made my little "predicament" seem like more of a virtue.
He told me I can't force myself to become something I'm not & that it's much better to chill with a few people you really appreciate than to be at some shitty keg party with a bunch of assholes.
& he's absolutely right.
Gotta love gorgeous, intelligent boys.
No crazy, high, drunken one-night-stands makes for no regrets.
So is my regret not having any regrets?

Let's go back to middle school for a quick second.
I had one constant friend (who still remains my only friend after 8 years).
My grades were HORRIBLE.
I used to cut myself with scissors when I got down.
My best friend in 7th grade's locker was right next to mine & at some point, he developed a crush on me. So, the motherfucker memorized my combination & went through my shit after school every day.
In 8th grade, I started getting bullied by a new girl and someone who used to be my friend until one day in the locker room where I called my ex-friend a "fucking whore", tried to kill her & ended up storming out while crying so hysterically, my mom had to come pick me up.
That's all I really remember about junior high & that's all I really care to remember.

In high school, things kind of changed for the better.
I worked really hard to get good grades.
The same girl tried to fuck with me again in 9th grade but got shut down before she even got started.
I laughed A LOT in high school.
Not a single dude I liked was even slightly interested in me.
My new best friend in high school developed a crush on me & the motherfucker ruined my relationship with someone he knew I had a crush on.
I went to one school dance in 9th grade & skipped all others from that point on including both proms.
Some of it sounds shitty, but I had a great time in high school.
I loved my school & I loved the monotony of my classes every day.
My best teenage memories are ALL from high school.

Every band I've ever seen &/or met, I met as a teenager.
Every halfway decent artist I've ever listened to, I started listening to as a teenager.
A lot of songs seem to be about how great the freedom of being a teenager is & now it's suddenly over.

The more I write about turning 20, the better I'm feeling about it.
It's like I've had all this shit sitting on my chest & now I'm finally able to get it off & start fresh.
So what is it I want to do at age 20?
Get money.
No joke. I need to get paid & fast.
I want to let go off some things that have been bothering me this year.
I want to work harder toward every goal I set for myself.
I want to continue to listen to lethal amounts of music on the daily.

I sound like I'm writing some sort of resignation letter, but it's all true.
I'm gonna stop being sappy & telling you my life story.
20 is just about 10 hours away now.
I'll be fine.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Oh Boy...

Yes, I'm still alive & well, just completely buried in school work...& bummed out as fuck.
The last two days of being a teenager are among us-, or, me.
Everything that has ever happend to me, happend when I was a teenager.
Short of 9/11, there is NOTHING from my childhood that truly stands out as a life-changing moment.
As a teenager, though, every day of my life was a turning point.
I guess the sadness of not being a teen anymore is coming from the idea of having to "act like a 20 year old".
From 13 to 19, I've always thought being a teenager allowed you to act the same annyoing, immature, reckless way for those 7 years.
Now that I'm turning 20, it's almost like all the fun & games are starting to come to an end.
Sounds dramatic, I know, but you can expect the drama to continue thoughout my 20's.

All this semester I've been making big decisions & fucking a lot of them up.
Only this time, it's not my mom's fault, not the school's fault.
Nope, it's all on me.
I officially owe a student loan now, I've been hopelessly unemployed since October of last year & I will never have enough money to buy my own car, let alone move out.
As opposed to having someone like my mom or a friend clean up after me, I'm starting to feel like this is my life & I need to start taking care of my own shit.
As I've said numerous times, I am not physically nor mentally capable of changing overnight.
Baby steps. That's all there is to it.

The "Friend" from the 'Holy Fucking God' post, has completely disappeared from my life since that day & I gotta say, I couldn't be more stoked about that.
I'm not in the business of cutting people out of my life, but sooner or later you gotta take the fucking trash out or even you yourself are gonna start smelling like shit.

There are so many things I've told myself I'm going to get a jump on once I turn 20.
I got goals like you read about.
Thing is, I'm a procrastinator to the nth degree & I'm left to wonder if all these pretty plans I've made were just empty promises to myself hoping I'd never turn 20.

Last year, I was freaking out because I didn't want to turn 19.
Fuck knows why.
Nothing really changed after turning 19, in fact, shit got pretty bad there for a while.
But I got through everything & I need to just tell myself that everything is going to work out just the same at age 20.
I have a feeling once I turn 20, the only thing that's going to change is the fact I have A LOT hopes for myself & all those hopes are gonna hunt me down & kick my ass until I make them realities.

I can't believe my teenage years are almost over.

Holy shit.

Where have I been this whole time?