Tuesday, August 30, 2011

"We Can't Go Back. We Can't Go Back at All.": Part II

Hate to bring the Paramore lyrics back, but...It's story time.
I was going through one of my old yearbooks from 2001-2002, 2 days ago & I started Facebooking random people that I haven't seen since then.
Yes, this is the same school I attended with RichKid & no, this is not about him again.
...He's seems kind of gay these days, anyway.
I didn't add the people I looked up, I just kind of wondered whatever happened to a few of them, especially the class of '02 (there were only 8 seniors that year).
It was kind of sad & kind of amazing.
One girl I remember very well, was AMAZING at art when she was in 12th grade.
This girl could draw like you wouldn't believe & the entire art room in our school was COVERED wall-to-wall with the portaits she was always drawing.
I found out, she's a veterinarian now.
Some of the others are parents, some are married, one moved to Italy...

I also realized, I've had a crush on the same guy for 10 years now.
Awkward.
Let's call him..."Senior".
Senior & I are friends on Facebook but we don't talk...mainly because we're 6 years apart & that's probably a little weird, for him at least.
I don't even know why he accepted my friend request 3 years ago.
I remember, in 6th grade, I'd always try to take the computer next to him if he just so happened to be in the computer room at the same time.
Senior was in 12th grade when I was in 6th, but even looking back at my yearbooks as an "adult", this kid didn't look 17.
You know how when you're a kid, high schoolers look like grown folks, then you get older & you realize they were just kids themselves?
Yeah, this dude is nothing like that.
He looked like a grown-ass man in high school, complete with a tall, strong stature, facial hair & tattoos.
Now, that it's been nearly 10 years since I've actually seen this dude in person, I gotta say, he grew up quite nicely.
He's just as handsome as he's always been, he graduated from college, & he joined the Navy.
...Senior did alright for himself & that's always good to see with anyone.

It got me thinking about how I used to be when I went to that school.
I know we've already talked about it in my RichKid post, but sometimes it still really bothers me.
I have no idea how I've changed so much in so little time.
I guess that's adolesence: You shouldn't be the same person at 20 you were at 11.
...I was such a loser.
Not like the nerd-that-gets-thrown-in-the-garbage-can-for-being-too-smart kind of loser.
No, far from that.
I was a genuinely, lost kid who didn't know how to behave myself for the life of me.
Maybe it was because my mom was working all the time or maybe I just need to be on some kind of chill pill, but I get so embarassed by myself in retrospect, sometimes I can't even stand to look back.
How did I even have friends back then?
I know the remedy for this: Learn from your mistakes.
All that I should be taking away from those 2 years is how to make myself better...right?
If I ever ended up talking to Senior, or anyone else from that school that I'm not already in contact with, I'd feel ridiculous trying to explain who I am.
I don't look the same, talk the same, or act the same but...What if they actually remembered me?
That thought bums me way the hell out.
If I could go back & change everything I fucked up in the school, I wouldn't even know where to begin.
Maybe I'd stop talking so much.
Stop wearing sweatpants under my kilt.
Try not to bring up Good Charlotte as much.
Do my homework.
Brush my hair.

As far as Senior goes, he was just a passing thought within this stupid delimma.
Even if I did have the chance to go back, I pray to God there's no way 17 year old Senior could ever develop a crush on 11 year old me.
Ugh, can I get an "Amen"?
I guess, I just feel like I'm finally starting to like myself & I wish the all the people who knew me back when & still remain friends with each other, could understand that I'm not that person anymore.
I'm not about to beg to be anyone's friend, but some vindication would be greatly appreciated.

I don't know where this is going or if I'm even making any sense.
I was just thinking about that school & Senior & the way thinks used to be, & it all seems so far away now.
Almost like a really vivid daydream.
Because of those years, however, I still feel very cautious & self-aware every second of every day.
Like I'm always about to fuck up, or annoy someone or look like I don't care about my appearance.
...Maybe that's why I like makeup so much.
I never want to look back at another point of my life & feel the way I do about those years.
It's a horrible feeling.

Alas, I'm not in 5th or 6th grade anymore.
I'm 20 years old in college with a whole slew of new assholes to introduce the real me to on a daily basis.
Maybe that's the silver lining in all of this mess.

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