Thursday, July 7, 2011

Ugh.


Let's get one thing straight: The person I portray myself to be on this blog is who I really am.
These are my real thoughts, real opinions & real words.
Sometimes I think this is the only "public" place I can actually be myself.
I've been trying really hard this summer to change for the better, as best I can.
Anyone who reads this blog most likely knows me better than anyone who knows me in real life & I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that this does not mean my constant stories, shit-talk, & rants are going to become few & far between.
No way.

I'm just starting to realize what a hard time I have keeping people I love in my life.
It's like an impossible task.
Take The "Friend" from the previous post for example.
I loved that girl with all my heart & I told her that every day.
I even forgave her for what she did to me with Kristian.
But come Senior year, she started hanging out with a whole new gang of Sophomores & Juniors & began completely ignoring me.
She moved back to her hometown 4 hours away shortly after we graduated high school & though we're still in contact with eachother, I have no idea who she is anymore.
I remember taking a wallk with her at about 1 o'clock in the morning back when we were 16 & she asked me: "Do you think we'll still be friends in 10 years?"
I, of course, said yes, adding that she better still be my friend after all the shit we'd gotten into that summer.
The "Friend" personally kicked every friend I'd had before her out of my life.
She even got into a physical fight with the only friend I'd had throughout junior high.
She fucked every guy I liked.
She made friends with everyone I dreamed of being friends with.
In the in end, all I had was The "Friend".
So when she decided to stop hanging out with me & start haning out with the underclassmen, I was left with no one.

Now that I'm 20 years old, out of high school & a full-time college student, I find that not only has the drama-level dropped substantially, but so has my tolerance for it.
I'm learning that there are very few people I can trust to tell me the truth...epecially as far as chicks go.
I'm not a normal 20 year old girl & that's a fact I've learned to live with.
I don't get drunk.
I don't smoke weed.
I don't "hook up".
I don't party.
My idea of fun is a good book or a creative idea to write on.
That's it.
I don't require a lot of attention.
However, I do enjoy having true friends that I can chill & shoot the shit with.
Who doesn't?
I'm slowly starting to discover that even that may be too much to ask for.
I've spent the majority of this summer vacation by myself (I got out of school in early May) & despite what people promised me about hanging out, none of them have come through.
In fact, I made a good friend this semester & the minute school ended, she stopped talking to me.
I really don't understand what everyone's problem is.
If I'm that dull or that uncool, don't get involved with me.
Simple.

Look, I'm dancing around the fucking issue.
Someone I've called a friend for 8 years continues to tell me they want to hang out but then they switch it up & say they're too busy with work to chill.
They're a workaholic with bills to pay, so I totally believe it.
Then when I get on Facebook, every night is a fucking party with them.
They go out & get drunk, they chill with their friends at their place (I still have never been to their place) & they go out on road trips contantly.
I just don't get what the lies are all about.
If you don't want to see me anymore, that's fine.
Why tell me the opposite?
I was depending on this friend to help me with something I've been struggling with but now it's clear that I'm going to have to figure it out myself.
I'm just tired of it...& I'm too fucking old for it.

I don't know what I'm getting at here.
I'm starting to believe that come next semester, I'm going to be leery about making new friends.
Maybe I just need myself, after all.
This summer is giving me a chance to catch up with myself & become who I really am.
I guess that's the most important thing after all.
Bitches are toxic.

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