Thursday, April 7, 2011

"We Can't Go Back. We Can't Go Back At All."


Yep, the Paramore lyrics are definitely necessary in this post.
This isn't as much a complaint as much as it is a bit of a pretty common confliction.
I'm sure everyone has delt with the feeling of wanting to go back to the past & make certain things right...or at least just change them around a little bit.
Coming up on age 20, I've been struggling with that feeling A Lot lately.
Now before anyone loses their shit, I know I'm still young & this shit is only going to get worse as I get older.
I know, I know.
But here's the deal:
I used to go to school with this guy, let's call him RichKid.
I was only in school with RichKid for 2 years (5th & 6th grade), & I pretty much began ruining my rep while I was in this school.
It was a private, Catholic, college-prep school & I had just left an unacceptably easy public school.
I didn't understand any of the work they assigned in this school, so I didn't do it.
I stopped caring about my appearance.
I started making enemies.
I started acting strange.
& by the time you knew it, I was a bona fide freak by junior high.
RichKid & I were never best friends.
In almost all of my memories of him, he's wearing a dark blue turtleneck, kaki slacks pulled up to his nose, & that smug, prick-ish look rich kids always have on their faces.
My only decent memory of RichKid was going to a Halloween party at his house in 6th grade.
He lived in a huge mansion, & he kept bragging about how when they first moved there, his older brother got lost inside.
At the party, RichKid's parents paid for a gigantic tent to be put in his backyard where the party was held.
No shit. This thing was so big, it had a dancefloor & fog machine in it.
I remember sticking with RichKid the entire time we were in the tent & though we weren't normally buddies, we were definitely cool that night.
The last time I saw RichKid in person was in 8th or 9th grade when I went back to visit all my old "friends".
I went into the cafeteria & talked to as many people as I could but RichKid never came to talk to me. He just sat at his table with his weird new girlfriend, eyeing me like a fucking predator.
Whatever, anyway.
RichKid & I have been friends on Facebook for about 2 years now & we literally haven't spoken to each other since the last day of 6th grade.
Here's My Confliction:
RichKid grew up to be the most painfully handsome, funny, intelligent & self-sufficient guy I've ever had the displeasure of saying I once knew.
He's stunning, athletic, goes to a very good college, makes his own money (& lot's of it), has his own apartment, & pretty much does whatever the fuck he wants to do whenever the fuck he wants to do it.
Since RichKid went to the school I basically flunked out of, he was set up to go to any college he wanted. He's also effortlessly smart & his dad is a computer genius which obviously rubbed off on him.
RichKid has over 1,000 friends on Facebook & the majority of them are girls...pretty girls...smart, pretty girls...smart, pretty girls who seem to feel the same way about him as I do.
It irritates me that I left such a bad taste in people's mouths, just because I didn't know who I was back then.
I wasn't rich.
I was incredibly annoying.
& I've never been anywhere near a genius.
I added my best friend & first crush from that damn school, Graham (oh hai, real name), on Facebook around the time I added RichKid.
A few months ago, I noticed Graham deleted his Facebook & because he moved to New York City & started a new life after high school, I figured that was probably a smart idea.
3 days ago, I decided to follow an old link to Graham's Facebook in a tagged photo of me, Graham, RichKid & all the other fools in our 5th grade class.
Come to find out, he does still have a Facebook & he stayed friends with everyone in our class but me.
We have 24 mutual friends & that's way bigger than our small little 12 person class back then.
Ugh, so annoying.
I'm feeling this incessant urge to prove myself all the fucking time now.
I want to prove that I'm not that crazy little girl.
I've grown up into a (somewhat) mature, intelligent, & extremely quiet adult.
I can make anyone laugh.
I care too much about everyone.
& I can write you a fucking A+ essay in my sleep.
I'd hate for people to think I'm still the same person after 10 long-ass years.
RichKid & I share a birthday.
Awkward.
Not only does my current crush have the same birthday, he officially shares the girliest fucking birthday on the planet. Haha.
I've been going back on forth about whether or not I should even bother wishing him a happy birthday.
Stupid issue, I'm well aware.
I want to try to be a little less shy at age 20.
I'm often dead silent unless someone is talking to me & I almost never strike up a conversation unless someone has pretty nails or a Slayer shirt on.
I want the people from my past to know I'm different now.
I wish RichKid could see me as someone who's probably smarter than all of the daddy's-girls he fucks & someone who could be his best friend.
I can't go back & change who I used to be, or all the stupid shit I embarassed myself with.
I can only continue to try to be the person I've always dreamed of being & hope that someone as fucking awesome as I am decides to come along for the ride.

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