Thursday, April 28, 2011

Oh Boy...

Yes, I'm still alive & well, just completely buried in school work...& bummed out as fuck.
The last two days of being a teenager are among us-, or, me.
Everything that has ever happend to me, happend when I was a teenager.
Short of 9/11, there is NOTHING from my childhood that truly stands out as a life-changing moment.
As a teenager, though, every day of my life was a turning point.
I guess the sadness of not being a teen anymore is coming from the idea of having to "act like a 20 year old".
From 13 to 19, I've always thought being a teenager allowed you to act the same annyoing, immature, reckless way for those 7 years.
Now that I'm turning 20, it's almost like all the fun & games are starting to come to an end.
Sounds dramatic, I know, but you can expect the drama to continue thoughout my 20's.

All this semester I've been making big decisions & fucking a lot of them up.
Only this time, it's not my mom's fault, not the school's fault.
Nope, it's all on me.
I officially owe a student loan now, I've been hopelessly unemployed since October of last year & I will never have enough money to buy my own car, let alone move out.
As opposed to having someone like my mom or a friend clean up after me, I'm starting to feel like this is my life & I need to start taking care of my own shit.
As I've said numerous times, I am not physically nor mentally capable of changing overnight.
Baby steps. That's all there is to it.

The "Friend" from the 'Holy Fucking God' post, has completely disappeared from my life since that day & I gotta say, I couldn't be more stoked about that.
I'm not in the business of cutting people out of my life, but sooner or later you gotta take the fucking trash out or even you yourself are gonna start smelling like shit.

There are so many things I've told myself I'm going to get a jump on once I turn 20.
I got goals like you read about.
Thing is, I'm a procrastinator to the nth degree & I'm left to wonder if all these pretty plans I've made were just empty promises to myself hoping I'd never turn 20.

Last year, I was freaking out because I didn't want to turn 19.
Fuck knows why.
Nothing really changed after turning 19, in fact, shit got pretty bad there for a while.
But I got through everything & I need to just tell myself that everything is going to work out just the same at age 20.
I have a feeling once I turn 20, the only thing that's going to change is the fact I have A LOT hopes for myself & all those hopes are gonna hunt me down & kick my ass until I make them realities.

I can't believe my teenage years are almost over.

Holy shit.

Where have I been this whole time?

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