Friday, April 29, 2011
Here We Go.
The last day.
My plan was to write for a while last night & tonight on the subject of turning 20.
However, I had a research paper due today & I ended up staying up until 1am just to finish it.
Saying I'm turning 20 is fine.
Saying I'm never going to be a teenager again after today is heart breaking.
So let's talk about why, shall we?
There's multiple reasons for why I feel so down about my birthday this year.
I think the main reason is: I DIDN'T DO SHIT AS A TEENAGER.
No matter how you tear apart my diaries, I really didn't do anything with my life for 7 years.
I smoked cigarettes in the summer for 2 years but it never made me feel cool.
I drank alcohol but I was so afraid of throwing up, I never once got drunk.
I didn't get invited to a single party.
I never had a boyfriend.
I couldn't stay friends with more than one girl at a time because all my friends hated each other.
I never drove to school like all the other kids in 11th & 12th grade.
I was bullied all through junior high.
I was too disgusted with the idea of weed killing your brain cells to ever smoke it.
I only got asked out once (I was in 9th grade & the dude had just finished telling me about how he was in a gang & always carried a gun...white boy in a small suburban town, mind you).
I never had a birthday party because I never had enough friends to throw one.
I NEVER had money, even when I had a job.
I could mull over all the shit I didn't do as a teen for the rest of the day, but it'll only depress me more.
I'm not sure if you remember my former crush, Poetry Boy, from last semester?
Yeah, well I talked to him online about 4 months ago & he made my little "predicament" seem like more of a virtue.
He told me I can't force myself to become something I'm not & that it's much better to chill with a few people you really appreciate than to be at some shitty keg party with a bunch of assholes.
& he's absolutely right.
Gotta love gorgeous, intelligent boys.
No crazy, high, drunken one-night-stands makes for no regrets.
So is my regret not having any regrets?
Let's go back to middle school for a quick second.
I had one constant friend (who still remains my only friend after 8 years).
My grades were HORRIBLE.
I used to cut myself with scissors when I got down.
My best friend in 7th grade's locker was right next to mine & at some point, he developed a crush on me. So, the motherfucker memorized my combination & went through my shit after school every day.
In 8th grade, I started getting bullied by a new girl and someone who used to be my friend until one day in the locker room where I called my ex-friend a "fucking whore", tried to kill her & ended up storming out while crying so hysterically, my mom had to come pick me up.
That's all I really remember about junior high & that's all I really care to remember.
In high school, things kind of changed for the better.
I worked really hard to get good grades.
The same girl tried to fuck with me again in 9th grade but got shut down before she even got started.
I laughed A LOT in high school.
Not a single dude I liked was even slightly interested in me.
My new best friend in high school developed a crush on me & the motherfucker ruined my relationship with someone he knew I had a crush on.
I went to one school dance in 9th grade & skipped all others from that point on including both proms.
Some of it sounds shitty, but I had a great time in high school.
I loved my school & I loved the monotony of my classes every day.
My best teenage memories are ALL from high school.
Every band I've ever seen &/or met, I met as a teenager.
Every halfway decent artist I've ever listened to, I started listening to as a teenager.
A lot of songs seem to be about how great the freedom of being a teenager is & now it's suddenly over.
The more I write about turning 20, the better I'm feeling about it.
It's like I've had all this shit sitting on my chest & now I'm finally able to get it off & start fresh.
So what is it I want to do at age 20?
No joke. I need to get paid & fast.
I want to let go off some things that have been bothering me this year.
I want to work harder toward every goal I set for myself.
I want to continue to listen to lethal amounts of music on the daily.
I sound like I'm writing some sort of resignation letter, but it's all true.
I'm gonna stop being sappy & telling you my life story.
20 is just about 10 hours away now.
I'll be fine.