Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Journal Entry 3/16: Heroes

I need to stop calling people "my heroes".
Everyone should.
People are people & there are no exceptions.
We're all made of blood & bone & mistakes.
Jess & Lisa Origliasso, Rafael Casal, Butch Walker, Corey Taylor, George Watsky, Dimebag Darrell, Hayley Williams, Trevor Phipps, my brother, Mick Thompson, my mom, Greg Puciato, Jesse Leach...
I've had my fair share of heroes...had being the key word here.
You can't trust anyone to do right by you, no matter the circumstance.
I've heard a person is the sum of the 5 people they're around the most.
That scares the shit out of me.
My mom is beginning to hate me & my closest friend is a selfish bitch.
Maybe that's why I'm always reaching out to these musicians & poets to help me figure life out; because they're the only people who have ever made me feel.
Feel anything.
I'm still not sure why it comes as such a surprise when these so-called "heroes" let me down.
I guess I forget that through all the guitar strings & red lipstick & pretty voices & ink & black eyeliner & drugs & cool attitudes, these people are me.
They're me plus 5 years, plus 10 years, plus 20 years.
They're me when I can't sleep at night because my mind refuses to stop arguing with itself.
They're me when I cry my eyes out over the silliest things.
They're me when I speed in my car even though I have nowhere to be.
They were me when I failed at everything my brother succeeded in.
They are me when I'm locked in my room, comforted only by the scent of ink & paper.
And I will be them when I finally realize I don't need them.
What makes a hero is courage.
Imitating someone else is false bravery.
I need to stop being a martyr of someone else's war.

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