Wednesday, March 9, 2011
It's 11 o'clock at Night...
and I guess I'm feeling kinda restless.
Kinda restless, kinda lonely, kinda...miserable.
I did my retail therapy (a.k.a. got more toothpaste), now I'm home with all the other shit I bought & there's a funk in my house.
This crazy New York weather messes with people's emotions around here.
This state is dangerous territory in the winter.
This is the worst possible time to be around my mom.
And this is the worst possible time to fall in love.
I'm having a really hard time coping with the idea of DisasterCrush1 a.k.a. Forum Boy a.k.a. WillThisCrushEverGoAway?
By "coping" I don't mean I'm losing all my shit over it.
I like to think as a hormonal teenage girl, I'm allowed to lose some shit over a cute boy.
But it just hurts so much.
I was so wrong about everything I thought about this guy...short of him being straight.
Looking back on some of my posts about this guy, I kind of make it seem like he's gay.
He might as well be, though.
There's days where I feel fine about the whole thing, in fact, I feel fucking great.
On these days, I'll be sure that there is someone better than this guy, somewhere hopefully near me.
Then there's days where every fucking song I hear relates to this situation & they all tear me apart inside.
Today was a mix of the two. It started off well &, well, you see where we are now.
There's going to be another snow storm tonight & for the first time in my life, I don't want a snow day.
I don't even want it to snow.
Tomorrow could be the last time I ever see this guy.
For whatever reason, I've only run into him on campus about 3 times all semester.
I feel like I sound silly & slightly obsessive.
Just know that I live inside my own head.
Everything impossibly good in my life I tend to believe is either bullshit or fiction (hence the site name).
This boy was impossibly good.
He snuck up on me 3 days after Valentine's Day & stopped me dead in my tracks.
I didn't even look halfway decent that day.
The hardest part of knowing a guy like this is real is knowing that I'm going to have to forget him.
I can always tell myself there's someone else out there who will blow my mind just the same, but it's taken 20 years already just to get this far.
And here I am.
The $30+ I just blew on makeup & nail polish (& toothpaste) isn't going to make this situation any easier.
I don't know if not seeing DisasterCrush1 anymore is the right way to get over him.
Too bad we're friends on Facebook.
I wrote a poem about him the other night, praying that "writing him off" would take at least some of the pain away.
It helped numb me out for that night but I think it's pretty obvious how quickly that shit wore off.
I'm not sure what to do at this point.
I want to get to the point where it doesn't make me sad to think about him.
I want to get to the point where it doesn't feel like anything to think about him.
When I walked into class last Thursday, he was talking to another girl who was sitting right next to him.
You could see the same thoughts I'd originally had, floating through her head.
After class, she waited for him so they could walk together & all I could think was:
You're barking up the wrong tree, sweetheart.
I know myself too well. Tomorrow, I'll get up, look outside praying for minimal snow, shower, get dressed, do my hair, do my makeup, & make my way to school where I'll be bodyslammed against square one.
A lot of shit has been hitting the fan around here as far as family matters & I guess I was looking for an escape.
I should've never let my heart get so attatched to something I knew had the power to leave.
One day it's not going to feel like this.
One day it's not going to feel like anything at all.