Wednesday, September 29, 2010


I spent a huge portion of my high school existance "in love" with the same dude.
His name was Mark. A musician/photographer/everything I wanted to be all wrapped up in one guy & conveniently placed in the grade above me.
To this day, he's never once looked in my direction & sometimes it bothers me to think of how much thought & effort I put into trying to be worthy of his attention when I went home every day feeling even worse about myself.
None of this is Mark's fault.
He had the prettiest girlfriend in the world, he was friends with some of my favorite bands, & everyone at school knew his name.
Why I ever thought he would notice an asocial, often disheveled (I got up at 5 a.m. in high school), girl in the grade below, even for a second, is beyond me at this point.
Let's get one thing straight here: I STILL LIKE THIS GUY.
Don't think just because I've recognized the flaws in this one-sided relationship & talk about it openly, I've totally & completely moved on from this irritating, 5 year crush.
I think I've just come to the conclusion that some things are meant to happen & some aren't.
Some people are clearly meant to be together & some even more clearly are not.
It seems that everything I've ever wanted to do or be, he beats me to it in a heartbeat.
I often think I'm more frustrated about the whole situation than anything else.

Here's the kinda awesome part though:
There's a guy in one of my classes (can't give out names, just yet) & he's the sweetest kid in the fucking world.
I wouldn't say I feel the same way about him as I used to Mark, but he's got a fighting chance.
Best part?
I think this one might actually like me.
Even better part?
I don't even have to try.
Now, I know I may be jumping the gun here, some people are just SUPER friendly.
But...I'm hoping.
He's got this amazing awkwardness about him &, bonus, he's gorgeous.
I'm really not sure what I want to happen here.
I've litterally never been in this kind of situation before, but as much as it scares the fucking shit out of me, maybe it'll only be good things.

The whole point of this post was to explain that I've learned, you can't plan love out. I'm certainly not in love with this dude in my class but I certainly wasn't in love with Mark regardless of what my former self will tell you.
The reason Mark liked his pretty girlfriend was because she was pretty to him just by being herself. When you don't act like yourself just to get someone to like you, they either reject you & or fall in love with someone who isn't the real you.
If you like someone who doesn't seem to give a flying fuck about you, GIVE IT UP.
Someone out there is going to notice & absolutely adore you for exactly who you are.

And that's how the world's longest, sappiest story ended...
Goodnight<3

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